I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
