What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
