Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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