I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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