I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
