I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have fence marks all over my body
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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