boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
