Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
either way he was missing a nipple.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
