Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
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careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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