She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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