regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
