its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
