if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
