I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
