So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He told me they were just razor bumps!
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Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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