My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
