Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
