So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
