make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
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You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
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Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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