hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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