gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
