I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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