i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
