New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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