now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
