Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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