Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just googled if crying burns calories
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
