Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize