I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
