mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
