I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
