after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
