just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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