How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
