I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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