It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize