Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
