dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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