After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
