As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sober January is a disaster.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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