Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
