Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
