Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
