Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
