Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
