i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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