Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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