I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
