Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
