come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
