i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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