He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
