I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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