Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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