false alarm. still invincible.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
