Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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