I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
