Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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