bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
