Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
