The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
