My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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