It was confusing and full of hummus
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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