she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
