When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
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