The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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