News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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