This is not my ceiling
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
